What Should I Do Today?

July 19, 2012

the world versus me.

In order to provide understanding, and in    turn receive sympathy, for the reasons behind my most recent absence from this forum, today’s post is simply my day’s to-do list. (Actually this was yesterday’s and since then, much has changed, but I didn’t have time to post it and now I don’t
have time to revise it because I have more pointless errands to run).  This is also meant as a subtle way to deter aimless dreamers from following my lead to nowhere:
·   Meet with Lawyer 5 about two simultaneous false lawsuits waged against me, making it seem that I am guilty of war crimes when in fact the truth would slide me into the “stealing a hamburger to give to a homeless person” category of culpability.  In said meeting, must discuss whether Lawyer 3’s approach is sufficiently aggressive, i.e. should I counter-sue for fraud, slander and/or perjury (whichever one sounds meanest, regardless of relevance).
·  Pick up the envelope that contains the house’s property tax bill, which has increased in one fell swoop by 400%.  This envelope is currently in the possession of my downstairs neighbor, owner of the neighborhood’s dirtiest fruit shop, and a man who, I assume from his odor, swallows his cigarettes rather than just smoking them.
·   Put on my smart glasses and closely analyze the 3 visits to my shoe-bag website in the past month, breaking down the demographic in terms of immediate family, friends, or paid users to hike up the numbers.  Also, eliminate my own IP address from the tracking.  This will probably cause the number of visits to hover around 0.  Try not to start drinking. 
·   Begin to write the chiropractic musical “Straights vs. Mixers” ala West Side Story, which will illuminate the world as to the fundamental divisions driving the knife through alternative medicine, while launching my “crossover” from “potential student of chiropractic” to “diva” and perhaps setting the stage for a DVD how-to crack n’ dance series.
·  Pay Lawyer 2 for his re-drafting of the contract between Myself and the Consortium of the house’s building, which rents me a room in the house that I own.  They want to raise the rent since that’s what landlords do, and tell me I should be happy with an annual increase of 25% since it’s less than inflation.  And anyway, they argue, you’re basically paying yourself. So ante up.
·  Perform a rapid but thorough review of my Turkish vocabulary and grammar, including present tense conjugations and saying “I like to ski and dance and eat grapes.  Happy birthday! Do you have pets?” 
·  Check in with the police officer on the corner about any progress in chasing down the crook who pulled the truck-con on us.  He will remind me that fraud in Argentina does not carry jail time unless someone dies in the act.  And then he’ll say, “Take it easy, I’ll let you know as soon as we get something.”
·  Eat 2 green apples.  Refer to previous post: “A socially uncomfortable day”
·  Try to remember who Lawyer 4 is, and why I retained him.
·  Pay a deposit for a two-month ‘How to use your sewing machine’ workshop. While I speak about my overnight success to the press regarding my booming textile empire (refer to bullet point 3 above) with relative confidence, secretly I am plagued by insecurity.  I don’t know what any of the other stitches are about and have thus temporarily taped paper over them to ignore the problem until I have more “mental space” available.
·  Call my apartment building administrator a fifth time in as many days, to insist that since he ignored the matter when it was a single drop trickling every so often in the corner, the soggy time-bomb has sung its tune. My entire kitchen, bathroom and bedroom ceiling are spewing angry water. The track lights have gone permanently dark because of short circuits.  (A small positive aside: since the kitchen is unusable due to flooding, it’s less bothersome that every pot and Tupperware container in my possession is in position to catch the constant downpour). For posterity’s sake, cry out before he hangs up on me that this is a travesty and he will get what’s coming, puta que te parió!
·  Visit three apartments for rent in the neighborhood, available for immediate occupancy.
·  Check my bank account and then stress to my house’s tenants that rent payment is not optional, though I am sincerely sympathetic to the fact that the money is tied up by the purchase of a new television for the kitchen.
·  Go to aikido, where I will be thrown and mock-sliced and really bruised all in the name of blending energy with world, detailed above.

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